Why do men like to be caged; to help a wife understand?

Hello Rahere,
Interesting reasons you have and thank you for sharing.
Yes,  being caged does seem to calm things down.  My hubby really gets obsessed by jobs,  either for work or around the home.  Once he is caged and after the settling period, which he describes as "calming down and ignoring the feelings of anxiety (I'm supposed to be doing something now?)", he becomes calmer and more observant.
This has done wonders for him on so many levels and makes him so much more caring and interesting.  Previously we would either talk about work or house jobs, once caged he observes me and the kids at such a deeper level.  Plus he also takes more of the thinking away from me and helps to run the household. As for the passion, wow, so much more intense:-) :-)
Thank you for helping me to reflect upon these bonuses of having a caged husband.
Kind regards,
Mistress Dominique

Hello everyone,
I am taking this time to reflect upon all of the honest and heartfelt comments that you have been posting. Each comment gives me greater insight and my hubby is also learning from them too. Thank you.
I am also aware that I can talk a lot and possibly spend too much time explaining or responding to your comments.  I always feel that since you have taken the time to write your thoughts that they deserve similar time in their acknowledgement. I hope that they help you in some way.
 If, on the other hand,  this is not the case then please let me know and I will not waste your time with lengthy postings.
Kindest regards,
Mistress Dominique xxx

   Dominiquerichards,  I am sorry but I am unable to give a view from my partner... I don't have one at this time.  My relationships don't go much further past the good friends point.  I have only used online Keyholders until I found this application and Website.
     -softspeak

Mistress Dominique,

Single as mentioned before so limited insights into a married man's motivation.
Jobs - those horrible jobs that have to be done around the house and obviously if I don't do them then they don't get done.
Locked in chastity, motivation to get them done and to a high standard with a real or imagined Mistress checking up.
Once locked up then the desire and even need to please with the threat of longer lockup if Mistress isn't happy.

I will answer questions as long as you think I can contribute.
Don't worry about your long descriptions explaining your situation, it all adds context to try to provide answers.
We are all discovering what suits us, what turns us on and how to make this work.
There is no right or wrong way (apart from safety).
Whatever works for you and your husband.
Only the two of you can find that fine line where his fantasy and real life meet.

Hello Chastikey et al,

Passion feelings have gone flat…

Do any of you ever have days when everything feels emotionally flat?  This is how I and my husband feel at the moment and we don’t really know why.  We returned from a vacation a few days ago and though we have not returned to work yet, our passion has almost evaporated and everything in that department feels… uninspiring.

As some background…

Prior to our vacation we had an intense two weeks of role play, passion and, for Subby, frustration and mild humiliation whilst being caged.  We then had a fortnight away in the caravan which was full of fun, passion and continued denial.  Hubby did not take his eyes off me and we were both holding hands and flirting like a couple of teenagers; much to the disgust of our own 3 teenagers😉  We couldn’t have been closer if we tried.

For my last posting, I explained that we were going to a sex toy shop whilst away on holiday.  This was for Subby to buy some items to spice things up for us when we returned home.  The build-up to the visit and the actual outing were interesting.  Up to the actual day I was really excited by it whereas Hubby was very nervous, possibly because of my mischievous comments and looks.  On the actual day I was so nervous I nearly sent him in by himself!  I have never been in a sex shop before and could imagine very easily the scrutiny that I would get when I entered.  Hubby on the hand, was very excited and explained to me “It is all part of our role play Mistress, just get into character and I will do all of the talking.”

I was pleasantly surprised with how friendly and professional the owner was; she could not have put me at any more ease if she’d tried.  Hubby was very talkative and also took the onus off me; he definitely gets a reward for doing that 😊  Anyway, one strap on, a rather interesting vibrator and a definite glow to my cheeks later, we left to have a romantic walk around the local town.

Now that we have returned everything has gone flat, and we both feel it.  At first, we thought that it was just end of holiday blues but we still have more time off so it probably isn’t that.  We then thought that it was just tiredness from the journey but 3 days later, the flatness is still there.  Hubby is still caged but in his own words “This isn’t exciting me and is just a ‘thing’ that I am wearing”.  The toys have been fun but this has mostly been functional rather than meaningful.
The only conclusion that we have come to is “The list of jobs to do…Lack of time to flirt…Need a new role-play game…” but even these are: “Yes, but not entirely”.  Can one have emotional burn out? Can you have too much of a good thing?  If so, is it just ‘give it time’?  If so, that sucks

I know, the rest of the world has way bigger problems and this certainly pales into insignificance in comparison.  However, this is something that I am hoping can be more easily fixed and I welcome your advice.

Yours poutingly,

Mistress Dominique x

"Can one have emotional burn out"

Most definitely.  But it's rarely long term.

You may also have a mis-calibration as a result of "new energy" high.   You've just come off a long sustained high, from the holiday and all the new things you've tried, and the excitement and the pushing of boundaries.  And now that's over, you're not sure.   (related concepts: "sub drop" and "top drop") It's a lot of work doing that!  You may feel exhausted and uninspired afterwards.

And this is pretty common.  You get into a new thing and it's super sexy and super powerful and you think you can redefine yourself in those terms... and then suddenly "Is that it?  Is that all there is?".   Some people try to push the envelope further and try new things and are always seeking that new thing (heh, sound like a drug addict or thrill seeker?  It's similar!), others settle into this new normal.

So, for example,  "just a ‘thing’ that I am wearing" is normal.  That's how I feel about my cage 90% or more of the time.  It's just there, part of me.  Until that time when I want to play with myself, find it's blocking me and I get a reminder of my place... and that then turns me on (just writing this is causing a reaction).

Porn and chastity memes and similar sometimes give an unrealistic expectation; "locked chaste guy always worshipping his Mistress on the hope of being given temporary release" is a fantasy, not a reality.  Fantasies are fun to play for a while, but when they're over you have to re-adjust to reality.

Husband/Wife, Mistress/Slave, KH/Locked, Top/Bottom... whatever... they're background that help _define_ your relationship, but they're not the whole of the relationship.

You don't have to be horny for each other all the time! 

Heh, some people argue that chastity only really starts when you want out of the cage; until then it's just a game :-)

Got to second what @bdsm said   in spades! The energy it would take to continue that high 24/7 is ridiculous...and not realistically achievable. Femdom was once described to me as a dance where one takes two steps forward and one step back.

Give yourselves some time... it's a marathon not a sprint.

Dear bdsm and Odslutpuppy,

Thank you both for putting our minds at rest; your experience and level headed advice always helps:-)

I do now think that use of chastity cages and sub/dom relationships need a health warning;-)  We were both staggered by how we felt upon our return from vacation: mental exhaustion and physical numbness.  I know that the movie, Fifty Shades of Grey, is fantasy but the explanation that Christian gives to Anastasia of "After a session, you will want your own room and space." is so true!

And bdsm, likening bondage and role play to the euphoria of taking drugs, certainly sounds right, especially the desire to look for even bigger highs!  That is slightly worrying but we are both level headed people and communicate well so this helps us to stay in control rather than becoming slaves to the hormone induced drugging of our passionate encounters.

I am pleased to say that several days of rest and immersing ourselves in mundane house jobs has been the right kind of come down tonic and the passion is starting to return:-)  Judging by the puppy dog looks from Hubby and my desire to tease him with my body, we are making a healthy return, he-he;-)

I was honestly worried at the beginning though.  Now that I know what to expect I will be better prepared for the next episode and enjoy the wait.  Hubby likened it to the delayed gratification that he experiences from being caged for days; something that I could only guess at but now have experience of, be it of a mental rather than physical enslavement.  It actually is a really great feeling!  The gradual build up is incredible and will be something to look forward to rather than be worried/disappointed with next time.

Happy days and thank you both.

Yours tinglingly,

Mistress D and Subby xx

Mistress Dominique and Subby,

It has been a bit since we've heard from you - hoping that "drop" didn't completely knock the train off the kink rails. It's been known to do that. Somehow I much prefer to believe that it's just everyday life (and this darn pandemic thing) that is keeping things quiet.

Wishing you both the best and a most happy Locktober.

Hello Oddslutpuppy,

Lovely to hear from you and sorry if I have caused any concern.  We are both well, though the return to work has been brutal with insane amounts of work to do.  Still, we're not complaining.  In this crazy post-lockdown-2 time of slow growth, panic buying, fuel rather than toilet rolls this time, and concerns about what we are doing to the environment, we're grateful that we have jobs, health and each other.  Am I right?

Anyway, the post euphoric slump after our amazing fortnight away, righted itself within a week.  I had Subby under a leash, licking at the cream like a kitten and me purring like a lioness, if you can read between the lines, within a week.  With the memories of our vacation and reenergised role play, the passion even carried on for a couple of weeks into work; unheard of for us!

Oh well, the last 5 weeks have been a blur of 12 hour days of 6 day weeks but we are on a break for a long weekend! Only one day into it, with zero commitments, and the saucy thoughts are coming to life once again, Yey! :-)

The plan is for the kids to stay with friends and we have a couple days in a hotel.  It was such fun packing: "Hubby, do you like this dress...and these stilettoes...these panties?"  His eyes almost popped!  When I then made him pack his bag with the 'toys', he almost baulked with the list of items that I prescribed would go into it, prrrrrrr

So, one more night at home, Subby is neatly trimmed and locked up.  Tomorrow he gets to be the perfect gentleman, and I mean PERFECT.  He won't be, of cause, but we both need to shake off the rust and learn how to please one another...the fun way! 

Love to you and impish grins to everyone else...

Mistress D

Thanks for the update, glad to hear everything is going well 😀

The binds of bondage and control between partners can be incredibly overpowering. There are some who embrace this to such a degree that they find a love that romantics can only ever dream of.
On the flip side the odd few will want more and more and if the partner can't provide the need then a few may extend into a darker world outside.
Don't read too much into my words though. It sounds like your hubby craves for your control. But as a measure of getting it right take the precaution and make sure he is locked when leaving your side. Maybe let him rest without the cage in bed occasionally because long term can cause sleep deprivation due to the night time "wood effect"
One word of advice to add though! ALWAYS put the cage back on after Sex! This way you and your partner can take the game out of the reality

Dear Sluts, Slaves, Trainees and Keyholders,
I was not sure whether to add this into my “New to being a keyholder” post or start a new chat.  Clearly, I decided on the latter and have done this to keep the conversations separate and, hopefully, easier to follow.  If you are new to my posts then it might help to read the aforementioned ‘chat’ as it will put this conversation into better context.

I need your advice about why my husband wants, in fact needs, to be caged and punished.

In the initial stages of my hubby exploring chastity, he locked himself up, for quite some time without telling me.  It was only during lock down 1 that he had the courage to tell me, which I applaud him for as he clearly was struggling with his sexual needs at the time.  During the early stages I was just aware of when he was locked but as time went on he asked me to be his keyholder.  I found this very strange and still cannot understand why he needs me to be the KH.  I welcome your views on that one 
Being his KH progressed into role play and, more recently, the role play has become a way of life.  Even when he is out of his cage, I find that I am more commanding and stricter on him than earlier on in our marriage.  He also responds to this and is so much more attentive and interesting to be around; he actually shares his thoughts more.
What I don’t understand is why he accepts the punishments.  I know that he can relieve himself, even when caged, but he seems to not want to.  I have asked him for his view on the matter and I am not convinced that he fully understands the need to be dominated or why he accepts the punishments so willingly.  Let’s be candid, I have been getting quite cruel recently and sense that he still wants more!
Hubby has said that:
1. His work life is so intense and he has so many responsibilities, being a slave is relaxing for him
2. When caged his hormone levels build up and the cage is a constant reminder that he shouldn’t relieve himself without my permission.  For him, this is constant joy!
3. That, as he has got older, he sometime suffers from ED and being a servant to me, without the use of his manhood, means he can still enjoy the passion of pleasing me without the guilt of being a disappointment in bed (something that I have never berated him for)
I am struggling to understand whether I am being unkind to him with the punishments and could in fact be reinforcing his lack of libido?
What are your views, self-reflection and great wisdom that you can share with me?
Yours truly and bemused,
Mistress Dominique xx

Hello EchtesLeder,

Thank you for your thoughts and you have had good insight and certainly have mirrored some of my thoughts.

In the early stages of our ventures, which are not that long ago so I'm not sure that "early" is very accurate, I was certainly worried that my hubby was starting to think of getting his gratification from somewhere else.  However, it is very clear that his heart is certainly a slave to me.  I know, possibly a vomit comment;-)  But for him, it goes much deeper than puppy dog eyes and youthful, which he is not, love.  His need for my approval runs very deeply.  In fact, at the beginning when I discovered that he was cheating in his cage, he was stricken with guilt afterwards and genuinely needed my forgiveness before he was able to feel relaxed and...re-sexualised.

That said, after we have had one of our 'sessions', his passion goes through the ceiling and his confidence shoots up too.  His eye certainly wonders from my face; I have caught him ogling other woman on several occasions! And so, your advice of getting him caged soon after sex, just to remind him of what he has and what I am offering, is very sound.  Having just returned from a break away, I am pleased to say that he is under lock and key once again.  When I ordered him back into his cage he was surprised but very quickly pleased that the fun clearly had not ended.  24 hours on and I asked him if he was still happy with being under my control and the answer was a resounding 'yes'.  He is also very relaxed which is always a good sign with him.

We both love the tension build up and even as I type, my impishness is starting to wake up and I am thinking of what my Subby needs next;-)

Thank you again and take care,

Mistress Dominique x

Lol, ogling other Women is definitely a male thing but it is not always the Woman some are looking at. (Most men maybe yes) But maybe he has desires for their dress code or maybe he has a kinky lust to dress himself. To me it sounds very much like you have the key literally!!! I would extend his Chastity confinement to all times other than for hygiene, pain relief and common sense i.e Airport, taking kids Swimming etc. The most difficult time for him to put the cage back on may be after making love but there is some real sense in making sure he does!!! Why? First of all it is a reality check which really does tell him who is boss. It can be a difficult moment for him but also incredibly enhancing. Finally all you have to remember Is that this is what he wants and if he didn't want relocking then you would have the right to question whether he just wants the game or true bonds to his Wife.
I have the impression you are good with his interest in chastity and I often think many Women would love this kind of opportunity. The only word of warning is NEVER show weakness because that would tell him you are not really in charge. For the fantasist that's no problem but for someone proclaiming they seek only reality then make sure you are always in charge.

Hello EchtesLeder,

Thank you for your thoughts and you have had good insight and certainly have mirrored some of my thoughts.

In the early stages of our ventures, which are not that long ago so I'm not sure that "early" is very accurate, I was certainly worried that my hubby was starting to think of getting his gratification from somewhere else.  However, it is very clear that his heart is certainly a slave to me.  I know, possibly a vomit comment;-)  But for him, it goes much deeper than puppy dog eyes and youthful, which he is not, love.  His need for my approval runs very deeply.  In fact, at the beginning when I discovered that he was cheating in his cage, he was stricken with guilt afterwards and genuinely needed my forgiveness before he was able to feel relaxed and...re-sexualised.

That said, after we have had one of our 'sessions', his passion goes through the ceiling and his confidence shoots up too.  His eye certainly wonders from my face; I have caught him ogling other woman on several occasions! And so, your advice of getting him caged soon after sex, just to remind him of what he has and what I am offering, is very sound.  Having just returned from a break away, I am pleased to say that he is under lock and key once again.  When I ordered him back into his cage he was surprised but very quickly pleased that the fun clearly had not ended.  24 hours on and I asked him if he was still happy with being under my control and the answer was a resounding 'yes'.  He is also very relaxed which is always a good sign with him.

We both love the tension build up and even as I type, my impishness is starting to wake up and I am thinking of what my Subby needs next;-)

Thank you again and take care,

Mistress Dominique x

Hello Chastikey and definitely KHs,
Discoveries at lunchtime…
I need your guidance on a discipline situation that has just occurred.  Note, Subby is currently prostrate at my feet as I type and so you can see how finger twitchingly angry I am! 
Hubby has had to work from home for the last few days due to work issues.  Naturally I didn’t trust him and he has been caged for the duration.  I have also been checking his search history to ensure that he has not been looking at any porn.  The advantage of him being at home is the washing is all up to date and I have not needed to cook any meals.  This has meant we are both less tired and have been able to relax in front of the fire of an evening, chatting with the kids and generally getting snuggly.  He has been incredibly attentive and denial in the evenings has been difficult for him but rewarding at the same time…especially for me.
Today I thought that I would come home for lunch as surprise my darling husband.  As the kids would be out at school, we could spend an hour being romantic.  When I arrived, I was surprised to see that his computer was on but no hubby.  Instantly I knew that something was afoot, call it KH intuition. 
Listening carefully, I could hear some noises coming from the bedroom upstairs.  Was he searching for the key or trying to satisfy himself using crude methods?  Tip-toing up the stairs and going to the door of our bedroom, I could definitely hear him in there.
Opening the door quickly I found my slut of a husband stood in front of the wardrobe mirror, camera in hand photographing himself.  But that isn’t the worst of it, though he was still caged, he was wearing my corset!  What the hell, I bought it for me as a Christmas treat to him.  He didn’t have any complaints back then I can tell you!  Now he was wearing it.  I thought that he had put the cross-dressing to one side?
At first we just stared at each other in stunned silence.  Then he dropped the phone and ran to me, blubbering about something and apologising profusely.  At first, I wanted to cry, thoughts of “My husband is a sissy!” but then that quickly turned to anger, “That is my possession!” I thought to myself.
“How dare you!  Get down on your knees slut and do not look at me.  This is going to take some time for me to process.”
“Yes Mistress, I am sorry.  I won’t ever do it again.  Please, any punishment, just don’t leave me.”
“Don’t be so stupid.  I knew that you are a transvestite in your mind but you made a promise that you wouldn’t wear woman’s clothing without my permission. You have soiled my favourite corset with your stench and spoilt something that was good.”  Venom was literally dripping from my lips.
“Now, silence, I need to think.  This is going to cost you dearly.  I will never look at you in the same way again. Sissy!”
And so, I come to you:
1. Am I over reacting?  I find cross-dressing so strange for any men and when it is my husband, father of my children, that is something else completely.  I love him so deeply but this feels like betrayal.  Is he even masculine anymore?
2.  There must be a punishment.  Apart from him not doing his work, he was also touching my things.  What do you recommend?
Yours fumingly,
Mistress Dominique