Why do men like to be caged; to help a wife understand?

Dear Sluts, Slaves, Trainees and Keyholders,
I was not sure whether to add this into my “New to being a keyholder” post or start a new chat.  Clearly, I decided on the latter and have done this to keep the conversations separate and, hopefully, easier to follow.  If you are new to my posts then it might help to read the aforementioned ‘chat’ as it will put this conversation into better context.

I need your advice about why my husband wants, in fact needs, to be caged and punished.

In the initial stages of my hubby exploring chastity, he locked himself up, for quite some time without telling me.  It was only during lock down 1 that he had the courage to tell me, which I applaud him for as he clearly was struggling with his sexual needs at the time.  During the early stages I was just aware of when he was locked but as time went on he asked me to be his keyholder.  I found this very strange and still cannot understand why he needs me to be the KH.  I welcome your views on that one 
Being his KH progressed into role play and, more recently, the role play has become a way of life.  Even when he is out of his cage, I find that I am more commanding and stricter on him than earlier on in our marriage.  He also responds to this and is so much more attentive and interesting to be around; he actually shares his thoughts more.
What I don’t understand is why he accepts the punishments.  I know that he can relieve himself, even when caged, but he seems to not want to.  I have asked him for his view on the matter and I am not convinced that he fully understands the need to be dominated or why he accepts the punishments so willingly.  Let’s be candid, I have been getting quite cruel recently and sense that he still wants more!
Hubby has said that:
1. His work life is so intense and he has so many responsibilities, being a slave is relaxing for him
2. When caged his hormone levels build up and the cage is a constant reminder that he shouldn’t relieve himself without my permission.  For him, this is constant joy!
3. That, as he has got older, he sometime suffers from ED and being a servant to me, without the use of his manhood, means he can still enjoy the passion of pleasing me without the guilt of being a disappointment in bed (something that I have never berated him for)
I am struggling to understand whether I am being unkind to him with the punishments and could in fact be reinforcing his lack of libido?
What are your views, self-reflection and great wisdom that you can share with me?
Yours truly and bemused,
Mistress Dominique xx

There are different nuisances in every kink and chastity is one of them. Each kink in the community also has ornery links which are also often present. Here are some examples: masochism and punishment, chastity and sissyfication, or chastity and pegging. They don't always exist together but they are commonly associated. I can only describe what chastity does for me.

As young as 26 I would become slightly sick for a while after an orgasm. I was young and my youthful energy made up for the difference so it never was an issue. The more orgasms I would have the worse it got. I did not find the correlation for years. It takes about ten days for all of the negative affects of an orgasm to wear off. Now that I am older it takes fewer orgasms to make me sick. I've always loved self pleasure. I would do it every single day. Some medications I was on would raise my libido until I was doing it sometimes four times a day. No matter a man's age of he's cumming that much every day he's going to be producing dust instead of semen.  I knew I had to do something. I realized I couldn't prevent myself from self pleasure. There was this chastity device I had seen in one of the adult shops online. At the time I thought it was just weird. Later, I bought it to curb my habit. I actually found it hot. The first time I wore it I left to walk to the store straight away for a fountain drink. The lock was tapping against the cage under my loose shorts diving me crazy. I wanted to scream, "Oh my God! Do you know what I have under here? This is so hot! "  As time went on I noticed my health, happiness, energy, and caring about other people increased. This is where let holding comes in. Everyone in chastity needs a mechanism so they can't get the key whenever they want. It took years in real life for me to find key holders. Your husband is so very, very lucky you agreed to do this for him. Now I have custom 3d printed cage, dissuasion spikes, and a piercing. I am a happier person, healthier, and able to do a little work despite my disability (I'm narcoleptic).  Another thing about chastity is the hormone change. The longer I am on three more hornier I become. Sometimes as horny as when I was a teenager. It's good to feel youth. My ED is also much less. Due to my narcolepsy it can take my body hours to cum during intercourse if at all. Going through the refectory period in chastity makes it easier to climax the next time.

Another aspect other than health is predicaments. I've always gotten turned on by predicaments. Having your stuff all locked up where you are getting more excited everyday and you have no control over getting relief is really hot. Or makes my mind always think of the horniest times I have had which in turn increases my horniness even more. Having a girl get pleasure out of me suffering through the pleasure drives me crazy. You see, she's getting pleasure and I'm getting pleasure (but no relief). Also, I have no control. Piercing makes it impossible to pull out. The spikes prevent me from stimulating myself inside the cage and getting an orgasm. Add in that the key is always hidden unless I am tied down and I have no control what did ever. I can now relax and not have to constantly be worrying about if I'm going to break down and rub one out.

Giving another person pleasure is more powerful to a person than their own pleasure. While I'm locked I still want to be kinky. I do enjoy being tied down and "used" but that is with my consent. I want to get denied (and don't at the same time) because once I cum the fun is over.

I've never been a punishment guy. I have no idea what goes through my subs heads either. My guess is it helps them to control themselves. It takes more effort to not eat the jellybeans on the coffee table by oneself than it does to know a punishment is coming off one does indulge. What you should succinctly get in your mind is he has expressed a _need_.  Fulfilling his need with his consent is not unkind. Morally speaking doing the opposite would be unkind. The punishments are something he wants, consents to, and enjoys. If you don't want to give them to him because of guilt then you are only thinking about you. (If you just don't like doing it that is a different issue). If you enjoy a little sadism (or a lot) and he does too then it will only improve your relationship. Morally speaking both of you must consent. That's right, even the top has the right to say they won't do something.

So, after all of that let me get to a point. If you enjoy being cruel and he enjoys you being cruel then you have matched needs. Getting mutual needs met improves relationships. If I were you I would find that limits of what you both enjoy. Either did this with talk or experimentation. Communication is the number one best quality of kink. Once those are found stay with in them.

Women are culturally indoctrinated they are supposed to please others, be "a good girl", not to stand out or the other girls will gang up on you, etc, etc. Why? Like really, why? There is no reason. I had an experience in a tease and denial scene. I was tied down and she was stimulating me but not letting me cum (so hot). Most girls instinctively think about their partner's pleasure. Well, during this she goes over to the dresser, pulls out and Hitachi, and proceeded to get off on my suffering. This in turn got me more excited to the point I am just over the edge of truly begging to cum. This only got her even hotter to the point of multiple orgasms with each one driving me even more crazy with lust. The only thing which could have topped that off would have been her locking me back up and saying I got mine. Yours doesn't matter. Is this "How a girl is supposed to act"? Yes, because we both loved it.

PS. If you are worried about his libido, try out various forms of teasing. Try wearing something he find sexy. Try what I did in my scene described above. Try whispering fantasies in his ear. Just try experimenting together and grow closer. You get to have fun with this. Keep him denied though. Once he cums you have to start all over.

Aging does have an effect on all of our libidos, it's a natural progression of life. Whether you are enforcing his lack of libido or just giving in to his desires is anybody's guess.

Without knowing your husband, it is impossible for me to offer any insights into what might fuel his impulses or desires.

Don't know if it will assist you, but you may want to check out the resources available at collarncuffs.com

Dear Legend,
Thank you so much for your honest and eloquent reply.  I have found this to be very informative and feel less worried about my own or hubby’s feelings of guilt or judging ourselves to being misfits with our ‘experimentation’.
I have read your thoughts to my hubby and he related well to much of what you said.  In his own words “So we’re not weird?  We just need to be true to ourselves, communicate to one another honestly about our needs and learn what each other’s limits are.”
You have clearly had a journey of discovery and reading your words has given us the confidence to look internally rather than being constrained by social expectations.  We have both revisited your words several times and discussed the similarities that my hubby has had, regarding ED, the joy found from building up to but not actually achieving orgasm  and how much he enjoys the passion of the bedroom following the continuous role play that we are having where he is allowed to focus and enjoy me.
Again, thank you so very much, you have helped us tremendously to look at ourselves differently and without judgement.  I can certainly agree with your name for this occasion😉
Kind regards,
Mistress Dominique and Subby xx

Dear Odslutpuppy,
collarncuffs.com is brilliant!  I and my hubby have spent quite a while today exploring the site.  He will certainly be trialling some of the methods described there to pleasure me and, for a role reversal, he will be trying the rope work on me!  I know, this is unchartered territory for me and I'm nervously excited by it!  Our thinking on this is, if I am to understand what he gets from bondage then I should also experience it; practical research if you like.
From discussions today, hubby has opened up more about his challenges with ED and how it has spoilt his enjoyment of sex.  He has also opened up about childhood experiences of cross dressing and joy of always being the prisoner in games of 'war' that he played.  This took great courage from him and at one point he looked so vulnerable I nearly cried "Why have you been doing this all alone?  It must have been so difficult and confusing for you!"  I supposed that was a different millennia and social stigma was so horrible.
One great thing to come out of today is I will stop feeling guilty that I am having all of the orgasms and being so 'cruel' to him.  Now that I know how much pleasure he is getting from my role as his Dom’ and his satisfaction of controlling my body, I will go forward with confidence and joy.
Oh, how I wish we could turn the clock back 20 years; so much fun and experimentation missed:-(  We have much catching up to do😉 
Thank you again Odslutpuppy, once again, you have come up trumps; you’re a star!  If you have any other advice, please add to the post or contact me by other means😊
Kind regards,
Mistress Dominique and her slut, Subby xxx

Happy to have been of service in some small fashion, Mistress Dominique 😀.

I must admit, I was hesitant about recommending the other site while here - I certainly don't want to disrespect Chastikey in any way. But it is an important resource for a more "rounded" FLR. Looking forward to hearing how things progress for you and your subby (and your trainee as well - looks like you have your hands full, Mistress Dominique) 😉😁🤗

I'm gonna come at this from another perspective.

Why do some people like to go running?  play tennis? Or soccer?  Chess?  Read books?  Listen to music?  Go to the theater?  Some of these I understand (books! Chess!), others I just don't get (running? Isn't that torture?).

Different people like different things; there's a saying "Every Person Is Different" (EPID).

So why is BDSM any different?  Just because it involves the "wibbly bits" and so is taboo to talk about ("shush; it's about sex! Can't talk about that!"... even if there's no "penis in vagina" sex involved, it's still considered sexual and thus taboo) doesn't mean it's inherently different.  Some people like it, others don't.

Almost 2% of people indulge in some form of BDSM ( https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18331257/ ) in a year.  So while this is a minority, it's not _abnormal_.

Why do people get into it?  Many many reasons.  "Dominant at work, submissive outside" is a very common one.  As is anxiety ("am I pleasing my loved one?"); having structure and well defined goals can make it easier and less mentally stressful.

For me, it's both mental and sexual.  I'm relatively senior at my company and have a lot of responsibility.  Instead of being the one who decides what is to be done, being tied down and flogged means I have just one responsibility (safeword if it's too much).  It's also sexual; just the act of my Mistress tying me down causes an erection.  She's joked before, as she's put me in a corset, then my penis is a sign that I enjoy this.

Similarly, chastity.  Paradoxically, the thought of being in chastity makes me hard... which also then makes it hard to put a cage on! 

Some men want to have sex with everything that moves.  Not me.  I get turned on by being controlled.  Being controlled, surrendering myself to someone I trust (literally when I'm tied down and can't escape she has the power of life or death, and I trust her absolutely) is an amazing turn on.

So.. EPID.

Now I do have one caution.  Some people get into this lifestyle because they feel they're unworthy and demand punishment and being demeaned as a way of reinforcing that status.  This isn't healthy, obviously.  But it doesn't sound like your husband is going down that path because "more attentive and interesting".  The positive sides of this relationship can be enforced; if you demand something from him and he does it well then praise him.  The sheer joy of knowing I've pleased my Mistress is good positive reinforcement.  "Carrot and stick"; you can't just be strict, you also have to reward.

From what you've written, it sounds like this is being good for your relationship.  You're communicating more, he's more relaxed, you're enjoying yourself....

This is sounding healthy.

Dear bdsm,
Thank you for your views, I appreciate the time you have taken and the analytical style of your comments makes me see things differently: less ‘dirty’ and more ‘creative’.  I am continually relieved and in admiration of the matter of fact approach that everyone on Chastikey, at least those that I have communicated with, have towards BDSM and the like: “keep it fun and keep it kind” (where ‘kind’ is used in the broadest sense of the word” 😉) seems to be the message
Regarding my husbands love of BDSM, I suppose I still have the initial feelings of shock and fear that I had from nearly a year ago, when I first discovered his needed to be caged and had other interests that he pursued behind closed doors.  The ‘shock’ was not having a clue that this was happening and the ‘fear’ that the ED, which has been a issue in our relationship for decades, would be reinforced by the humiliation, I was giving him, plus the cross-dressing and denial that he has experimented with.  I was scared that my loving husband would next be telling me that he wanted to become a woman!  I know, this probably sounds ridiculous, but at the time, and with my upbringing of traditional social values, it is what I feared.  I mostly believe that this is not the case but it is still there and might always be there.  Again, there is the importance of communication and I should bring this new self-understanding up with him; I know that he will be honest and respectful of my fears.
What has surprised me, more than anything, is that he wants me to be the dominant.  This is such a strange concept for me, I have always considered our relationship to be equal.  In the bedroom I have always wanted him to dominate me.  Friends and colleagues have always commented how much we are a partnership and have such love of one another.  Sorry, not boasting, I’m just adding information to help with the next question.
I have always dreamed of being bound and dominated by my husband.  The other night, when we tried this, it was the most intense evening of my life for years!  Incredible and I don’t want it to end there. Now, here is a question that I need help with.  How am I to be his dominant Mistress, giving him what he needs but at the same time be tied, teased and dominated in bed by him?  Is it possible to be dominated by a submissive, caged and waiting for rewards or punishments?  I wonder if there are others out there that have gone through the same problems?
My hubby, having read a real life book about a teacher who became a dominatrix, has suggested that we might try going to a BDSM party.  “What!” was my initial reaction.  “With our jobs, that would be insane!  I wouldn’t even know where to look for one.  The danger would be being recognised and what if it is some seedy event, yuk.  On the other hand, it does thrill me, the thought of meeting other dominants and submissives.  I’m not sure what happens at them and how one behaves or even dresses; sorry, that is the girl in me, always worried about the right outfit😉  Does anybody have advice on this?
When I cage my hubby, or humiliate and tease him, he explains that he is enjoying it, sometimes there is pre-cum, I think that is what it is called.  However, this is the only sign, he rarely gets an erection, unless I directly stimulate him or use prescriptions.  This has always been the case and when the ‘good times’ arrived, it was always when his brain was switched off from thinking about “Will I get hard, stay hard…”  I know the ED is playing a big part here but I don’t know how to get him to switch his brain off.  I feel that he is still not fully relaxed and is holding back; perhaps he is embarrassed about really enjoying himself and what I might think of him afterwards?  Well, that is going to be another discussion point, I know that I am his soul mate and won’t be going anywhere, I need him to convince him of the same!
Some things are clear, the role play, caged chastity and a wealth of BDSM that is out there, is there for our choosing.  Your helpful words and observations, along with the comments of others, tells me that we should enjoy ourselves and grasp it with both hands, even if the hands are bound and we are blindfolded😉
Kind regards,
Mistress Dominique (with my Subby sat obediently reading at my side) xx

What you're asking is also very common.  Many dominants also have a subby side.  This can also help if there's some overlap between kinks.  My Mistress is similar, and sometimes when she's wondering what to do with me she just thinks "what would I like being done to me? let's do that to him!" and it mostly works :-)

There's also a concept called a "service top", where the person doing the topping is being directed by the bottom.  This idea could be introduced into your bedroom scenes.  You could even use it as a way of gaining rewards ("if you don't make me orgasm twice tonight then I won't do ..."). 

He can even remain caged, using a strap-on, or using his tongue or fingers (or all of the above :-)).

Potentially it could even go further into your fantasies... if the idea of being taken by a masked man turns you on then you could put him in a leather mask (locked on!).   Imagine the scene... you've been kidnapped by a masked stranger, tied up, gagged, and then roughly taken by a larger-than-life dick...   For some couples that type of scenario may work (the mistress gets her subby side itch scratched and the slave gets to please his mistress all without actual release from the cage.

I'm sure you'll find stories and scenarios that would work for the two of you.

As for parties, I suggest going slow; finding a local "munch" (fetlife.com may be a way of finding them) where you can start to get to know the other people in your local area in a "normal" setting.

(Personally I'd wait until post-COVID... but that's just me)

Thank you bdsm,

Once again, if I've thought somebody else has explored it:-)

Your ideas sound fun and certainly will give me food for thought.  I think my Subby will enjoy additional locks though I'm not sure how I feel about masks...yet;-)

I agree, re Covid and meetings.  We have plenty to work through that will keep me entertained and him busy for the next number of months:-)

Kind regards,

Mistress Dominique xx

PS No Subby next to me this time, I want to surprise him

I would second many of the points that @bdsm brought up. And just to add a couple of things regarding play parties and munches.

You can often find munches by Googling "munch + your location" (either your city or the nearest reasonable sized city if you live in a small town). Many munches are held in a local restaurant and often fetish wear is discouraged. Think of it like sitting down for coffee with like-minded people where the conversation could range over a broad spectrum of topics. This would be a great source to find out more about any play parties (when things start to open up again).

I don't know how things are in your neck of the woods, but where I am munches have just slowly started up again. I don't expect any play parties to be running until at least the fall. (or at least none that I would consider...but I'm the cautious type).

As for the fear of being recognized at a play party... something to think about...if someone recognizes you, then you would also recognize them. Sure, it can make for a little awkwardness the next time you see them, but most people in the kink community have a "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" mentality.

The very first time I attended a play party in my local community I was extremely nervous about what I was getting myself into. Almost turned around and left. And then I ran into a fellow that I knew in college years before. He introduced me around to a few people, one of which I knew from volunteer work that we both did. Never suspected that either of them had any kink inclination until that night. And yes, the volunteering was a little tense the first couple of times, but it wasn't long before it gave us a "private joke" to share between us. She ended up being a favorite play partner when we ran into each other at events.

Keep in mind too, that there are many different types or themes of events. Just because one isn't your cup of tea, might just mean that you haven't found your niche yet.

Oops, wrong conversation.  Please see my other post

A strange dilemma for my husband has appeared and I'm not entirely sure what to agree to.   Tomorrow we have a whole day of hiking, covering over10 miles and climbing in excess of a 1000m. He doesn't know whether to remove his cage,  which in his own mind is whimping out and cheating or keep it on and risk wear-and-tear on himself? This also has the potential of causing issues for our merry band of walkers.
Subby has been in his cage for most of 3 weeks so might be hardened to it but this is an unknown for him.
If we take keys,  how is he going to remove the cage in the open terrain without some awkward comments?
 Oh,  the dilemma of chastity, and the comfort this offers, vs the sensible reality and guilt of 'cheating'.
Can I still be his dominant if he isn't caged? In honesty,  I think he is also worried about being uncaged and 'free'.
What do you advise?
Mistress Dominique

Some people have required "something else" when not caged.  e.g. make him go hiking while wearing a pair of panties and when you get home you can lock him up again.

In that way he's reminded of his position, and you're still controlling him.

Excellent suggestion, I was wondering whether a bra should be included; possibly too far?
 Unfortunately he forgot to pack the red set I bought him,  tut-tut, so I'll have to loan him a pair of mine. They had better be washed  before he returns them; that will be interesting for him to do when using shared wash facilities:-)
Thank you bdsm,
Mistress Dominique x