Why do men like to be caged; to help a wife understand?

I find it interesting how people equate clothing with gender. If one looks back at the manner of dress throughout history, there are many instances of men's clothing which could be thought of as being feminine in nature. It was only a couple of hundred years ago that men were wearing wigs and having their faces powdered.

We all have our own limits of things that we are comfortable with. Are you over reacting? That's not for anyone else to say. The whole issue does appear to push a button for you....and him for that matter. You have to decide whether you can put up with his interest in cross dressing or if it is a hard limit for you. Whatever the result, one of the two of you are going to have to compromise....but isn't that the nature of a relationship? Give and take by both partners at some time.

As for the punishment...I would agree that there should be consequences for his touching your things without permission, and for neglecting his work. But I'm not sure that I know either of you enough to make any valid suggestions. I would, however, be interested in hearing about what you decide to do.

Hello Odslutpuppy,
I understand what you are saying.  I’m still working out in my own head why seeing my hubby in woman’s clothing pushes such a large button for me.  To be honest, he has pretty good legs and he could pull off a skirt and stockings very well.  He certainly doesn’t have a problem with wearing woman’s clothing or judging others, male or female, with doing the same.
One of the big issues is the lying.  He told me that he was going to stick to one set of rules but behind my back is doing something else.  I know that he won’t do anything serious, such as see another person, but truth is important to me.  I also like to be part of his passion and whenever we have shared our desires, life has become considerably more fun.
Using my stuff is another big issue.  How can I put the corset on as part of my role as his Domme and KH knowing that he was the last person to wear it or that when he sees it, he is picturing himself wearing it?
As his punishment: for using my things I have decided to take something of his away.  In this case it is his favourite cage.  For the week he is in the one I like.  Unfortunately for him, this one is too small for the night time woodies and so he is going to be losing some sleep!  As for not working, Hubby is now coming home half an hour earlier but is working through lunchtime to make up the time difference.  This means that I won’t be cooking dinner for the foreseeable future. 😊
As for the compromise.  Cross-dressing is something within him that isn’t going to go away.  I have seen in his eyes how it gives him such a deep level of satisfaction, almost relaxation.  The passion that it instils in him is definitely worth it.  We will need to talk this through but I am thinking a small budget for clothing that he wears, some private time to dress (until I can get my head straightened out) and no more sharing my bloody clothes!
Thank you for listening and advising,
Mistress Dominique xxx

Hello KHs, sluts et al,

I'm disappointed to say that Hubby caught the retched Covid virus and has been isolating for the last five days.  Fortunately we are both double jabbed and strong so nothing to worry about.  You can imagine that I had a mixture of concern for his wellbeing and distrust of what the naughty little slut would get up to being in the home all alone.  Call me soft, but I decided to trust him and allowed him to isolate in the spare room unlocked.

That isn't the end of it though, the annoying slut then gave covid to me and now I'm having to isolate too!  He's several days ahead of me and so is on the road to recovery accordingly.  This morning, after the kids went to school (both clear on LFTs of cause), Subby woke me up, depositing a key next to my pillow.  Can you believe that he had locked himself up and was giving me puppy dog eyes!

Now answer me this, two years of avoiding covid, the fool gets it and the only thing on his mind is sexual release.  What is wrong with him! ;-)

Yours coughingly,

Mistress D xx

For me as a male who enjoys being caged/locked, I see it as a more powerful orgasm for 1 and more importantly it makes us focus more on our partners pleasure above ours. Most women usually last a bit longer than most males. In many cases once males are finished the fun is done. Hope this helps.

Hello Devious1sworld,
Thank you for taking the time to reply.  I agree for sure with the first point.  Hubby has always had issues with ED and so 'love making', if it can be called that, was always focussing upon him getting hard, staying hard and coming.  Fine if you are making babies, not much fun if you are looking for intimacy.  And, of cause, once the deed was done, his interest in me would stop and I was the one left being frustrated.  Can you believe that I accepted that for years!  Now his arse would be red-raw if that ever happened;-)
I am glad that you have found the benefits of being caged, in terms of pleasing your partner first and, possibly, only pleasing them.  Without doubt, since my Hubby has followed the path of chastity he is way more relaxed in bed, is able to concentrate of fulfilling me and, most importantly, we have learned to communicate.  The latter started with me telling him how to be more attentive, which was very weird as, when not in work, telling people what I want is not my default by any level of interpretation.  Therefore I have also grown as a person, both in confidence but also laying bare my feelings and needs.  That takes a tremendous level of trust and I can imagine that people early on into a relationship or about to reveal that they want to experiment with chastity, will find that threatening and risky.  For Hubby and me, it has cemented our marriage and I know that my darling husband listens far more deeply to me.
For him, it has been a kind of 'coming out of the closet' experience, if only to me.  For years I was convinced that he was gay and when he revealed to me some years ago that he cross dressed, well I felt lied to and betrayed.  Now that he is so often caged, his honesty and sharing of desires come out without hesitation.  As Subby put it: "Being caged, I have nothing to hide".  Some of his desires are very alien to me, some I had never heard of and others have been incredibly rewarding for both of us.  We chose the conversation answers of "Never", "Not yet" and "Ok, lets give it a go".  This has removed any ambiguity and false hopes.  Knowing where we both stand helps to get to the pleasure points much faster.
We think chastity has been the best thing to have happened in our relationship and, unlike other things we have tried, it hasn't teetered off or shown any signs of getting boring.  Hubby is very creative and so keeping his brain activated is the key to a passionate relationship.  I'm more vanilla which certainly helps as he can't use his caged manhood and instead uses other parts of his body to maximum effect; plus these parts don't go limp as things get interesting;-)
Whilst he is caged, and usually from a week in, his brain is flooded with hormones and he is like having a teenager again.  Bloody exhausting sometimes but then telling him "No, not tonight" only frustrates him and heightens the experience for him so, a win-win I suppose.  I had not realised how impish I could be and learning to so 'no', which usually results in sad puppy-dog eyes, is so funny.  Clearly, learning to be a Domme is also teaching me things about myself too :-)
Thank you Devious1sworld for responding and getting my brain thinking again.  As with the other wonderful readers that have shared their thoughts, each comment makes me understand just a little better Why Do Men Like to be Caged.  In addition to this is the big bonus of, I get new stimulus on how to tease my poor Hubby just that little more.  For example, you have reminded me of 'spoiled orgasms' and that this is something that he is well overdue to receive.  He-he;-)
Thank you darling,
Mistress Dominique xxx

Hello to all the wonderful people on Chastikey,
I am starting this posting with an acknowledgement to the beautiful members that have shared their thoughts and helped me to understand my Hubby, and also myself.
When I started this chat, the purpose was for me to understand why my hubby felt the need to have his junk locked away, for me to both know that he was locked and to be his KH.  Your thoughts and views have been so helpful with this and I love that so many of you are willing to share: you have been so brave!  I find that all of your comments enable me to think more broadly, both about my husbands needs and also mine.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul.  XX
Two years into our journey, and over a year of your support, I find that posting our journey has a profound effect upon me.  It enables me to connect more deeply with my Hubby and his alter ego, Subby.  It also gets my creative juices flowing to create new scenarios for us to have fun in:-)  I know that Subby gets very nervous as I type on my laptop, and so he should be;-)  However, these conversations have taken our passion for one another, further than it has been for a very long time.
I am quite a straight forward person: black or white, just get on with it, no talking about it, make a decision and stick with it.  Hubby is a talker and fantasist, he gets as much pleasure from exploring thoughts and ideas as I do with the act.
This is who I am and who he is but for a relationship to grow, one has to also grow to meet the other person half way.  I am proud of the openness between me and my wonderful husband, that has come about since the bravery that he showed in revealing his chastity needs: is like breathing fresh air for the first time.  That said, the constant talking can be very annoying to me and we need to work up a balance on 'lets just do it'.
As mentioned previously, Hubby suffers from ED.  This is a massive barrier both to his confidence as a male and to me as a fulfilled woman.  Neither he nor I know to what degree of impact that ED has had on getting us to where we are now, and don't get me wrong, we are in a good place, but we both feel that there is a better place yet to come.  Fortunately we have the amazing NHS and Hubby has been lucky enough to get support from a psychosexual therapist.  We did use one nearly 20 years ago, when he first revealed to me his cross-dressing, but 'specialist' was not good at their job and instead of enabling us to understand and accept, it made Hubby feel guilty about his needs and did little to enable me to accept them or to overcome the stigma that I have towards transvestitism.  Note: I am not judgemental of TVs or any gender choices, I just find it very hard to cope with the image of my masculine Hubby in a dress; I can't imagine ever wanting to see him dressed as so.
One advantage of Hubby now talking to a professional is he doesn't feel the need to 'go around the houses' with me when he is trying to frame his thoughts.  Hopefully, and the therapist is confident about this, his issues with ED will also be resolved.  I won't deny it, I am scared about what the resolutions for him might be.  We have been together for 30 years and if he gets to a conclusion where we both discover that neither one of us can meet each others needs, then that will be devastating.  However, we both know that we have but one life and happiness has to be the goal, right?
I welcome your thoughts and experiences on the above.  I need to prepare for the emotional rollercoaster that I suspect that we have both climbed onto, though I could be straying into Hubby's domain and over thinking it!?
Kindest regards,
Mistress D xxx

Relationships are about give'n'take; about accomodation, compromise.

So re cross-dressing.  This may be something that Subby has to "give".  But could there be a slight middle ground?  Would you be OK with him wearing knickers instead of underpants?  For me, part of the thrill of cross-dressing is "what if someone who knows me sees me; I'd be humiliated". So wearing knickers can get part of the way there.  This may be a way of scratching that itch without it being in your face.  Push it a little further; stockings instead of socks?  At least while he's out of the house (work, errands, whatever...).

You may even be able to frame it, mentally, as an extra way of giving you more control; if you throw away all his underpants (or lock them up in a box) then you're controlling his clothing.

Re ED.  I don't have a lot of experience here 'cos I've never found penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex that interesting so the lack of penetrative sex hasn't bothered me too much and my Mistress has had plenty of fun having me tied up next to her, pulling on my nipple clamps while playing with her Hitachi Magic Wand.  But I've heard of other couples using a strap-on as a substitute.  You can even get kits where a mold can be taken of his penis and that used to create the dildo.  He can then wear that (over his cage, if necessary!).  It's not the same, and requires a bit of fantasy in both your heads, but some people have reported success.  You can then joke that you own both his dicks :-)

Just some thoughts!

Hello bdsm,

Thank you for your thoughts, as always I now have a valuable and different perspective about the points I mentioned.

I suppose my greatest problem with the cross-dressing was being lied to and the secrecy that Hubby had with it.  Understandable, he was scared, but relationships are based on trust.  Your suggestions are more in the realm of 'privacy' than 'secrecy' and there isn't a great distance between tight male pants/trousers and ladies panties/stockings.

There is no rush on my part and the longer he has an 'itch' that can't be scratched, the more his frustrations might benefit to me;-) Possibly that sounds a little callous?

Regarding the ED, PIV has only occasionally been a great part of our relationship so perhaps I will take a leaf out your Mistress' book and charge up the wand!

Have a safe and wonderful Christmas,

Mistress D xx

Dear Subs, KHs and Dommes,
I am interested in whether any of you have written down the boundaries of your servitude as a sub or limits as KH/Domme?  Or perhaps you have a verbal ‘contract’ of what you will and won’t do?
I ask because, after a very intense session with Subby working so hard to fulfil my needs, I asked him what he gets from all of this since he is caged and can’t relieve himself?  Hubby is a very deep thinker and found it hard to explain verbally why he likes his role of servitude so much.
The following day I had a very detailed email from Hubby which laid out what he got from chastity, what he was hoping to do for me and also a list of requests.  It is very typical of him to do this type of writing for his job but it feels a little ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ and odd when it is addressed to me.  I suppose I am worried that he is viewing me differently from being his wife to now his Domme.  Or am I over thinking this?
Clearly Hubby has laid his desires out for me, which is honest and I did ask for he chastity reasons.  It is worth noting that Hubby has also made it very clear that there is no pressure on me to comply with his requests.  I still feel very new to this new development in our relationship at times.  I hope that some of you could explain whether it is normal to write a ‘contract’ or should I be worried that he is taking things too seriously?
Kind regards,
Mistress Dominique xx

Greetings Mistress Dominique,
Hope you and yours had a wonderful Christmas and are looking forward to the New Year.

Is it "normal" to write a contract? I don't know... what's the definition of "normal"? When it comes to these types of contracts, there are only a couple of things that I know for certain. They are not legally enforceable (unfortunately) so it mainly rests on the honor and integrity of the persons involved. And the other thing is that the submissive aspect of my personality desperately craved one as soon as I heard about them.

I think this may be an aspect of the "being forced" mindset. Leaving the control to another with no responsibility - being free to allow oneself to accept all aspects of their personality/sexuality without fear of judgement because it's "someone else's" decision.

I don't know if your Subby feels that way too - it IS a common trait of male submissives. I commend him for having the fortitude to discuss his needs with you, the self awareness to know what those needs are, and the compassion to present it all in a manner that allows YOU to proceed or not, as YOU choose, with no pressure or expectations....only hope.

I think you have a good one there, Mistress Dominique - even if you have to keep him in line once in awhile.

Hello odslutpuppy,
Yes, Christmas has been wonderful with lots of family time though new year is always a bit of a damper for us: "What else will mankind do to screw things up".  If only mankind could be caged and put into submission eh? ;-)
Thank you for sharing your views on the matter of 'contracts'.  Hearing a different perspective on the matter definitely helps me to think about this less judgementally or with concern.
Your comment about "Leaving the control to another with no responsibility..." certainly resonates with Hubby's character type.  I have seen him with a group of new people, frozen with what to say, until he is invited into the conversation and then you can't shut him up!  In terms of our relationship, he works so hard with 'making the right decision' to please me, he ends up annoying the heck out of me:-(  Perhaps when he is in subordinate character, then judgement is only of 'Subby' and not Hubby.  Interesting.
Men are not supposed to be so complicated, rumour is, women have the monopoly of that! ;-)
And "Shhhhhhh" about a "good one here", I don't want Subby getting too full of himself.  Mind you, an opportunity to discipline that out of him could be fun, he-he.
On the matter of discipliner, we have just returned from a couple of days away from home and children, so I have a fun story to share on that.  Up until we had gone away, Hubby was approaching day 28 of being caged, the  longest for him so far, and he presumed that the trip away might see some kind of reprise.  Well, following the sharing of the 'contract' with me, Subby got exactly what he asked for.  Stealing your legend "Be careful what you wish for...you just may get it and not in the way you expected."  More to follow once I've got over a stinking cold.
Take care  odslutpuppy and I wish you the very best for 2022!
Mistress D xx

Happy new year and we hope that 2022 is wonderful, be it free or caged, for one and all!
With love,
Mistress Dominique and Subby xxx

Hello KHs et al,
I would like your advice regarding punishment and how to heighten the experiences of my cross-dressing Subby.
I have become resigned to the fact that wearing woman's clothing is a fundamental need of his and,  to be honest,  is making his dedication to me more intense. Naturally I haven't let him know my resigned acceptance and only reward his servitude when it is necessary/effective. My questions are:
1. Should I continue to point out my distaste of his cross-dressing?  I don't want him to feel guilty or to develop a self-esteem complex
2. Forcing him to wear woman's clothes clearly isn't a punishment.  How do I incorporate discipline into our play by using cross-dressing?
3. How do I stop him becoming desensitised about the joy he gets from wearing lingerie if he is wearing it more and more often to control his 'itch'?  I ask because he has been uncaged for 2 weeks: I removed it because I wanted to and he wasn't getting anything from it (the oppositesin fact). He still has not cheated yet (trust me,  I know) but is still serving me like a caged puppy
Please give me you views and exhorting so that I can kick-start  our play into a new direction.
Kind regards
Mistress D xxx

Greetings Mistress Dominique,

You certainly pose some interesting questions, and there are probably those better to provide some answers... but I have some thoughts on the subject that I will share for whatever they are worth.

Regarding your first question, I feel that I must preface any response by saying that I am not a medical/psychology professional, so take what you will from any comments. I think that you can continue to express your distaste for crossdressing without compromising his "self worth" image - particularly if he has a bit of a humiliation fetish. But you may want to use your expression of distaste somewhat sparingly. Not only to avoid guilt feelings, but also to ensure that he doesn't become "desensitized" to how this aspect affects YOU, so that he forgets the privilege you are granting him.

Question 2 is a little easier (thank goodness). There are a number of things that come to mind that you might utilize in a disciplinary fashion. First and foremost is the "threat" of taking it away. Ensuring he knows that displeasing you will result in the loss of the privilege to crossdress can be a powerful tool in your repertoire - provided that you follow through. (And I suspect there would be no problem with that 😉 ). Secondly, you could acquire some "punishment" clothing (depending on Subby's fetish). Some popular ideas are 'Granny' panties, school girl outfit, plain bloomers, etc. Common to a feminization fetish is silk, satin, lace material - something that looks pretty and sexy. By avoiding that it can take the "fun" out of the wearing. By taking away the clothes that appeal to him and making him wear unappealing garments it can serve to reinforce the behaviour that you want. Thirdly, you mentioned in another thread about his possible "concerns" about comments at the gym regarding his shaved body. How do you think he would react to the  "threat" of having to wear a thong along with garter belt and stockings to the gym? It would seem to me that, just the threat of that type of exposure would be enough to keep him in line (unless, of course, he has a huge humiliation fetish).

Your 3rd question is one that I'm not sure how to answer. With enough exposure, we humans can become desensitized to anything. Just compare the amount of both sex and violence in television and movies over the past 50 years, and you'll see a significant change in what is tolerated. It can happen. Having said that, all I can offer is a personal observation. My wife has indulged my interest to the point where all of my male underwear was thrown out years ago. And since that time I wear panties 24/7. While in some ways it is just a pair of underwear, there remains to this day a certain thrill every day when I pick out a clean pair and slip them on. And when she gifts me with a new pair, it sends me back to the first time in my mind, strengthening the bond between us.

Sorry for the lengthy response - hope it helps in some way.

Hello Odslutpuppy,
Good to hear from you again.
It always helps to hear from others 'in the know', regarding chastity and everything that goes with it.  The FLR that Hubby has asked for is so far removed from our day-to-day life with our day-to-day friends: it is sometimes hard to know what is 'right', what is 'wrong' and, when I am being too 'kind' to my Subby.  Your thoughts always help me to reflect on this and to stop thinking too much.  Return to basics "Mistress D, Subby works hard, you simply direct!" Or something along those lines.
I think that your wife is clearly a wonderful person but I do hope that she reminds you of that by taking your sexy underwear away too, I would hate to think that you are missing out on the necessity of punishment too!  he-he;-)
I agree with you, humans can become desensitised to many things, like you say, "Look at TV".  The mind is an amazing thing also, and I think the trials of work for the last couple of months has taken our intimacy away and it is that, an active mind, which makes all of the physical experiences enjoyable.  Making it fun is also important and the bloomers ideas will be funny, especially for me.  Can you imagine the humiliation Subby will get going to the gym in frilly shorts or a chafing thong that just pokes out of the top of his leggings;-)
Anyway, thank you O'
Take care and continue to worship your wife.
Mistress D xxx