Might've ruined more than I intended

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Might've ruined more than I intended
« on: August 06, 2022, 08:19:47 PM »
Hi all--could use some advice. My husband and I have a good sex life, but it's been a little bland lately. Idk if anyone else feels this, but my go-to fantasies haven't been doing it for me for months, so I porn-spiralled into some side interests (including femdom) to psych myself up/get inspired.

In that spiral, I accidentally figured out my husband's porn alter ego (note: as far as I know, he's not on these forums). I probably should've stopped looking, but I was super turned on, and didn't think it was a big deal.

When I mentioned it, he freaked out about the invasion of privacy, and now he feels like an outlet he previously had isn't an option, regardless of how I feel. Talking about it is not an option (his boundary).

Now I'm not sure how to handle wanting to do more with edging/teasing/chastity--I feel like it's too close to a sensitive topic now, but at the same time, it's important to me for a couple reasons.

1) I get bored when receiving oral, if it takes too long. There's not enough to keep me mentally engaged. I'm pretty sure I would stay mentally engaged if I could imagine that he was doing it with the hope that I'd let him cum (and with the relevant dirty talk, on my part).

2) I have a much higher sex drive than he does, and if I could refuse to let him cum, I could be satisfied more often. Instead, right now, if he's not in the mood, we don't do anything.

I always knew he had some issues with shame, I just didn't realize how deep it went until now, and as a person who has very little shame, I'm at a loss. I also feel selfish for wanting to push for what I want--but I'm pretty sure he wants it too. I've been confused for years why he has so many chastity devices and accessories when he claims it was "just to try it." We do occasionally do very light edging, but when I asked him (days after the fight) if I could choose whether he gets to come, he said absolutely not.

Is there anything I can do to help him see that I'm into this, it's not connected to anything I found? How can I get past his shame to get what I/we want?
« Last Edit: August 06, 2022, 09:59:49 PM by Sherlocked-out »